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Monthly Archives: March 2006

TGIF…

They are overloading me again at work…….I have to help out at the other apartment complex again and help another manager do the equivalent of 3 months worth of her work she neglected to do…… in about two or three weeks.

The #1 rule in good management is basically, you don’t punish the people who are doing their job by making them do someone else’s job, without punishing the other person for not doing their job. Something like that…….you get the idea right?…. It happens here a lot. I am always caught up, maybe even working ahead often times and I am always called upon to help get someone else out of a bind. I don’t mind helping, but it does grow old after a while……Maybe it’s time to ask for that raise! Yeah, right.

 

S is for Sucker (me)…

Oh, I did do the exact opposite of what I said I was going to do last week.

 

I bought the kid (Sierah) a car.

I guess none of this darn car shopping went as planned……. I sold my Jeep way quicker than I thought I would so as soon as it was gone, we were down to one car.*** BAM***  Not good with 6 people, all of whom have to be at different places at different times…….

I have been unable to find what I wanted, so I went out last night in search of something else for her….with the money I received from the sell of the Jeep. (So, it was like I didn’t spend that much money really……..just used the Jeep money.)

I went past the guy Rick I know’s car lot at lunch……..driving along, eating my Taco Smell (I mean Bell) and I was going to pull in to talk to him but he had a sign up saying he was at the auction and would return later.

 

He returned alright, with about 3 cars I was interested in…….

 

And ONE that Sierah was really interested in. Of course the nicest, most expensive one out of the 3……but it was also the one I liked so….. We test drove it, checked everything and I decided it was the most dependable and drove perfect…….it would be a good car for her. 

Sierah let out a giant Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh when I told Rick I was going to buy it. She said. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Really? Ahhhhhhhhhh!!"    Jumping up and down in the parking lot shrieking from pure ~first~car ~bliss……..

    

 

So needless to say, we returned home last night in two vehicles. I was driving the dorky Mom Van and Sierah was driving a white Intrepid with this huge grin on her face. (Matter of fact she was smiling so big I think her teeth might have dried out.)

 

Happy new car kiddo……I love U.

 

Mom

 

PS…Sorry for the bad photo, it was taken at 6:00AM in the rain…..Oy!

 

The Grand Opening of our new complex went on yesterday without a hitch.  Well, at least I didn’t fall into the mud or get any muddy goo stuck between my toes…..I did have another problem though.

 

I did grow tired of everyone not only mentioning my new hair cut but also my new “Oprah” bra and the fact I was wearing make up……multiple people asked, “You tryin’ to get you a man?” 

 

Had ONE more freakin person asked me that I would of drop kicked them into next week.    Why is it when a woman does a little something to herself, everyone assumes they are trying to get a man……grr.  NO I AM NOT!  (Okay, so that is technically a lie, but I did not cut my hair for that purpose….gesh.)  I was sick of it being long, that’s why I cut it.  And the bra…it was time for a new one, simple enough…maybe it does more lifting and separating than the old one….Oy!……the makeup, if I don’t wear some I look like a damn man with short hair…….any other questions?

 

Someone please tell me why would 5 women I work with be so interested in my boobs anyhow?  Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.  Ew.

 

Oh and I missed the ribbon cutting ceremony with all of the movers and shakers……I came at the tail end when there was nothing truly interesting going on…..just the mundane task of showing old farts the apartments and then herding them all down to the refreshment table and passing out coffee and cookies.  Old folks love their coffee and cookies……

 

I have got to admit I love old people… I love and respect them maybe more than most, but listening to them talk last night made me convinced of one thing…… lots of them are still incredibly frisky for their age.  You see, in our new apartments are these extra large showers with hand rails and two seats….A seat on each end of the shower…..

 

Not one little old lady…. not two little old ladies, but multiple little old ladies said something similar in regard to the two shower seats when walking into the bathroom…..

 

”Oh look Ethal, two seats…..you can have company when you are in the shower…..hee hee hee”.(Then all 3 little old ladies laugh.)  Of coarse I’m standing there laughing too…….just picturing them having sex is funny enough……3 gray caps, one with a walker and the other two standing there crouched over, holding hands while trying to hold each other up, nobody over 4 ½ feet tall…..I’m sorry, but it WAS too funny and I’m almost sorry to say it was the highlight of my entire evening…..Listening to little old ladies talk about sex…

 

LOL

 

…..I do need to get out more…..

 

me 

My friend Beverly recently asked about my love life, or should I say my non-existent love life.  I do believe she was speaking about “Russell” the guy that asked me out a while back…. and I never went out with him……

 

He did meet me at one of Sierah’s basketball games…everything was going okay for about the first 5 minutes until he decided he needed to start pointing out everything he felt Sierah was doing wrong, (that about did it on it’s own…I’m here to support my child, not critique her..dumb sh*t!) then decided he would root for the other team during the boys basketball game (TRADER!  I almost told him to go sit on the other side)and then I was suppose to drop him off…(I really wanted to tell him to walk home in the rain…but I didn’t)…This little bit of info leads to the true problem.  He asked me to drop him off at his Moms……(RED FLAG…. waves on the horizon)  Mom’s…how about YOUR house?  Where is it that you live again?  UGH.

 

Now, remind you I know him from him coming to see his Mother, who lives in the building I manage.  (I adore his Mom; she is the sweetest tenant in the entire building so too bad he is actually a “buster.”)  I do know that he is a manager at a neighboring “Lowes Store”, but that is about all I actually know about the guy….even after knowing him for about a year.  I have no clue where the guy actually lives, (hum….could be with a female then huh?) he doesn’t own a car, (even though he came from a big city where almost no one owns cars….everyone owns them here and I distinctly remember him driving a black Lexus last summer….was that your girls car?)  and when he talks he tends to contradict himself.  (I seriously dislike that……tell the truth, then  you don’t have to remember a story you made up.)  Icing on the cake for me was some stupid comment he made about dogs…….some dumb story about he had a Great Dane once but had to “get rid” of it because it smelled…..no matter how often he bathed it, it still stunk.  Then went on to tell me later that it was stolen……..Okay, so what is it?  “Got rid of it or stolen?”  He was going on and on about this kennel it lived in outside…….(Obviously a guy who thinks dogs should live outside instead of inside……not my kind of guy.)  Then interestingly enough, we pulled up at my house on the way home to drop off McDonald’s to my kids and Stellar came outside……he says, “Oh, you have a Dalmatian?”  A Dalmatian??? **eyeroll**…..(duh…..thought you use to own a Great Dane…..) 

 

My friend Laura was with us because she and I had plans to go out to eat Mexican after the game……I was so thru with him that I didn’t invite him along to eat and he was hinting so hard….Oh h*ll NO!…….That was the beginning and end of Russell…..all in the coarse of a double header basketball game……(I gave him a technical foul and ejected him from the game.)  You are SO OUTTA here!  Game over!

 

End of Story…

 

 

Moving on:   

 

TODAY

 

Today should be an interesting day for me.  We have a grand opening of a new apartment complex and the other managers and I will be there to help out and witness the ribbon cutting ceremony by the Mayor, his entourage, the Executive Director, our board of directors and a bunch of other stuffed suits, etc…….and guess what……it’s raining…a nice cold rain……Oh joy……and I am wearing a beautiful black cashmere sweater, black dress pants and a pair of nice black Italian Leather Sling backs and have my toe nails painted a gorgeous deep red color……But you know just my luck I will get a big clump of mud stuck between my toes or better yet, one of my shoes might even get stuck in the mud and I will trip and fall straight down the big grassless hill into a giant puddle of mud…. Yup, I can see it now….. and the news cameras will be there too so it could all potentially end up on the 5:00 news……Good lord, I can just imagine it now…….

 

Maybe I should just sit in the car and watch…..Tell my boss “Don’t see me.”……just let me know when it’s time to go inside and pass out punch and cookies….. 

 

Sounds like a plan to me….

For those of you who have not gotten this email yet…….

 

I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIO! R MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you ‘ll never grow up."


2! 2. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You’re just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you’ll under stand."

Last but not least:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

You folks with young kids might want to try this at home…..then again, maybe not.

 

When my kids were young and they would fall down and hurt a finger or toe (any body part will do) and they would come running up to me crying and say something like, “Mommy, I hurt my toe” I would say, “Go get a sharp knife.”(In a matter of fact voice….. and slowly shake my head from side to side)  They would immediately stop crying and ask “WHY?”  I would reply, “So I can cut it off and throw it on the roof” (or in the pond depending on my mood).  This automatically sends the child running away from not only you, but also any knife in the house…. And they are sure not to return for a good while.   Lol   (See how easy that is?)  Problem solved, no crying kid, no bandaging a boo-boo….just peace and quiet.

 

Even though my kids are ages 14-17 now, I still periodically say this when they get hurt and they either laugh or say “Mom!”… **eye roll**.(Cough* CanyousaySierah *Cough)……  (It still makes me chuckle to myself many years later, but then again I am easily amused.)

 

 

 

me

Almost daily funny, silly, strange, weird or bizarre stuff happens to me at work.  Dar is right; I couldn’t make this stuff up.  I have 100 apartments that I manage and out of those 100, approximately 20 are senior citizens and the majority of the rest are challenged mentally in one way or another……so this combination of people and ME (as their fearless leader/Manager) is potentially hilarious. 

 

I’m one of those people who find it easy to not only laugh at myself but I also find great pleasure in laughing at and with other people…..I’ve got to say, it makes my day here go by so fast.  If I didn’t laugh, I’d have to cry some days…..so I laugh…..then I call my friend Tricia who works in the administrative building, and leased up most of the people, and relay to her the stuff they are doing……and we BOTH laugh.  (Then I write about it in my BLOG!….some days)

 

I was so busy getting caught up on paperwork yesterday that I didn’t get involved in much other stuff other than a short exchange with the Vegetable soup lady.  Remember the lady who said I disconnected her phone (and she had actually unplugged it) and came into my office with what appeared to be a cup of vegetable soup down the front of her shirt……a day later plunked her wig in my hand while I was trying to open her door?…..Well, yesterday she came into my office and asked if I could call her daughter for her.  Conversation between us was as follows:

 

Me:  “Why can’t you call from your phone in your apartment?” 

 

VSL (Vegetable Soup Lady) “Someone stole part of my phone…..umm…..my phone don’t work.” 

 

Me: “Okay, what’s the number, I’ll call her for you.” 

 

VSL, “425-000”

 

Me:  “That’s not enough numbers.”

 

VSL:  “Yes it is!  425-000 That’s her number.”

 

Me:  “No it isn’t, I need one more number.”

 

VSL:  “She doesn’t have another number.”

 

Me:  “No, I mean the phone number you are telling me needs one more number.”

 

VSL:  ”She doesn’t have another number, she gave me her phone from home and someone stole part of it from me.  Her work number is the only number she has”

 

Me:  “Okay, So what part of the phone did they take?”

 

VSL:  “I don’t know, but they also broke my toilet seat.”

 

Me:  “Who broke your toilet seat?”

 

VSL:  “I don’t know, but they also stole part of my phone.”

 

Oy! 

 

I seen we were going nowhere fast so I told her I would find the number (In her file) and give her a call……about an hour later when I went to leave VSLady was in the lobby on the couch, head tipped back, wig all the way down over her eyes snoring… loudly….so loud she could of easily been mistaken for someone trying to call the cows home…..I just laughed to myself, waved to the security camera and went out the door…..”Sweet dreams Vegetable Soup Lady”……

 

[I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.]

 

me.

Thanks to everyone who likes the short hair ~~ and you know what, I love it!  (Denise you are right, it was time to let go)  Short hair is easy ~~ easy is good……umm, in hair…. not women…..moving on.

 

The gay lady in the building came down to see my hair.  She said she saw me on the monitor and didn’t know who it was…..she says “Laura you look SOooOOoo SEXY with that short hair….ooooooOooh” and wanted to know if I wanted a “walk on the other side yet.”……I say, ”No thanks.” (in a perky voice)  We both laugh and she says, “OK, but I’m gonna keep checking.”  Keep checking?  Like checking to see if the mail came yet??….Whatever.  She was drunk, actually still drunk from the previous day…….she had to have been drunk out of her gourd the day before because she could hardly talk yesterday…kind of staggering around….slurring her words.  She always hits on me when she’s drunk……she is actually really funny and always fun to talk to but ultra talkative when drinking…..She is a retired pool champion, a 5th degree black belt and was so drunk yesterday she got mugged on the walking path that goes between my apartments and the hospital…..and was unable to even do one karate chop on the attackers…..  She refused to call the police because she is on probation and isn’t suppose to be drinking…….hum, imagine that.  She drinks so much I could routinely get drunk off of the fumes emanating from her breath while doing nothing more than standing on the elevator with her…….

 

Moving on…

 

The Trash Man

 

I wonder why it is that my trash man cant put my freakin trash can back from where he got it, when he empties it.  I mean, how hard could it be….grab it, step maybe one foot to his right and place it in my little “trash can designated space” at the back of my yard…..  He doesn’t even have to actually lift the trash can, it is a single giant trash container thing that has a little do-heelie on the side that they hook to a lift, the darn thing gets dumped by the automated handle on the garbage truck…….while the trash guy stands there scratching his @ss.  (I have watched them multiple Saturday’s just to see what the exact problem is.)  You see MY problem is he routinely leaves my trash container darn near in the middle of the alley so people then have to drive around it or they could always opt to hit it and run over it…….and when you hit a trash can you have to drag it right?…down the street or alley….. it’s a rule.  Just ask Sierah who backed over my evil little old neighbor lady Ms. Chambers trash can and drug it under the Jeep nearly a mile before it flew off while she was doing 45mph down Washington Street……right Sierah?

 

 

Yesterday…

 

Oh boy did I have a whole host of strange stuff yesterday including a resident who came in quickly shifting his eyes from left to right and telling me in a really quiet voice that his apartment is bugged…Oy!….an apartment inspection on the woman who accused me of disconnecting her phone (when she had actually unplugged it) and had the vegetable soup down the front of her…….her apartment was in total disarray and smelled like a trash can, she later locked herself out of her apartment and while I was trying to let her in fooling around with the lock she snatched the wig off of the top of her head and says, “Here, hold this, I’ll get it.”and plunked her wig in my left hand………The guy who had a recertification appointment scheduled with me, he was waiting on his case worker to get here and he says, “Don’t I have an appointment with you today Laura?”  I said, “Yes.”  He says, “Do you want me to bring my evidence?”…….Only if you murdered somebody….gesh…..guess he meant paperwork…….  The resident cleaning guy came to get me because “Somebody pooped in the hallway.”  I grabbed my camera and off we went…..we get to the suspected turd and I said, “It looks kind of like a mouse”….He says, “That’s no mouse, that’s poop.”…..I am without my glasses, bent over looking at it, eyes squinted trying to see it…..I nudged it with my shoe and it flew about 3 feet……while the resident cleaning guy jumped and shouted…..”Ahhhh!”  Guess it’s not everyday he sees a flying turd…..It was a bat…I captured him in a brown paper bag and put him outside in the bushes…….I say, “The next time you come tell me there is poop in the hall, get your glasses first….and when you come get me, remind me to get mine too”…….Then of coarse I had to ban a suspected prostitute, listen to 30 minutes of why someone thought someone else got all the good BINGO prizes, listen to Bob tell me 15 times that the generator didn’t turn on at 3:00 like it is suppose to, deal with the young girl who could hear a noise coming from the door knob, and explain to a resident why she cant leave her apartment and leave food cooking on the stove……..imagine that!

 

It was ~all ~ day ~ long ~…….One thing after another, and I got almost none of my endless stream of paperwork complete that needed to be complete YESTERDAY……

 

Oh well, maybe today…………as long as no one poops in the hallway.

 

Laura

Strange News, once again….

 

When Travis Frey, 33, was charged in Council Bluffs, Iowa, in February with kidnapping his wife, she gave police a "Contract of Wifely Expectations" that he had allegedly written for her (subsequently published on TheSmokingGun.com, which called it a contract "for the ages"). In painstaking detail, the husband prescribed the micromanagement of her life, including what she would wear in public and to bed and the exact times she would be available for specified sexual relations. Instructions on hygiene and body-shaving were given. Eight explicit, non-subservient wifely reactions were banned. She could earn "Good Behavior Days" with exemplary performance but would lose them on specified misbehaviors, including complaining about the contract. [KETV-TV (Omaha), 2-6-06] [TheSmokingGun.com, 2-17-06]

 

~Oh BARF~  Are you freaking kidding me??  Okay, I’m sorry but somebody please tell me who the h*ll is gonna sign this stupid “Contract of Wifely Expectations”??   I honestly cant figure out who better deserves the Bozo button here, the guy who wrote it or the woman who signed it……sounds me to me like they just might deserve each other. 

 

 

 

The ever so single, shorter hair than ever, old man magnet!

“me!”

I think I am having a mid life crisis…….or something….. whatever it is that some women and/or men have around 30 or 40…….I have felt a huge need for change…..interesting because I have always loved the familiar…….As you all know I have been looking for a new/used car….I did find one I liked, but waited a day to “think about it” and the damn thing was sold when I went back……Just my luck…..Oh well….something else will pop up……Change…….I have also decided to cut my hair…..SHORT.  Shaved in the back, short.  Not really sure what exactly prompted it, but last week I tried really hard to get into my salon to get a hair cut, of coarse they are booked and will not make any room for a woman in the middle of a mid life crisis……”Would you like to book something for 2 weeks from now?”…..”Two weeks from now?  NO!”……..grrrrr….I need it cut NOW!…ahh.

 

So Friday I decide to let Jeanette cut my hair…..this is the little Chinese lady who waxes my eye brows and derives great pleasure from the pain she inflicts upon me.  She has been asking to cut my hair for months, my friend Tricia says she does a great job…..so, I decided to give her a try.  Plus where else can you get your hair cut and eye brows waxed for $20. 

 

I showed up a half an hour early to look at some hair books…you know those big books with all the crazy hairdos, all salons have them……I had an idea of what I wanted but I still wanted to see if there was anything in there that caught my eye……while I sat there looking and she and her husband and a couple of people in there were all speaking Chinese……why is it when someone is around you speaking another language (That of coarse you don’t understand) you grow period like they are talking about you……..**Thinks to self**…..Wish I knew how to say, “I know Chinese too so don’t be talking sh*t about me!” in Chinese…….but I don’t so I just grinned and batted my eyes……

 

Let me tell you about the little Chinese lady Jeanette….I think she is hilarious.  She is always cracking jokes or saying something funny while keeping this straight face and speaking in really broken English…… the last time I left there I was not only crying because I had just had half of each eye brow ripped off but I was also crying from laughing.  Here is a sample of my last visit….

 

Jeanette has me tipped back in one of the shampoo bowls, applies the hot wax to my eye brow area and puts the little paper on:

 

Jeanette:  “Ooh, you have big eyebrow.”  Rip!  She pulls off the little paper, pulling off half of my eyebrow and then says…..”Oh, I sorry…..did that hurt you…Ha Ha Ha….You pay me to hurt you….Ha Ha Ha….I think that is funny.  You no like?”….Then flashed in front of my face the section of my eyebrow that has now been transferred to the little paper……..”You have enough eyebrow for 2 people, maybe 3……you have big, big eyebrow…..Wow.”  Ha Ha Ha. 

 

Maybe it is or isn’t funny…….I don’t know, but when its happening, it IS funny…..plus my friend Tricia is sitting on the chair next to me laughing the whole time……When I went back this time Jeanette was talking about our languages:

 

Me:  “What is your nationality?”

Jeanette:  “Chinese”

Me:  “So you can speak Chinese, English and Spanish?”  She had just spoken a little Spanish to a woman who came in wanting a hair cut.

Jeanette:  “I speak little Spanish about hair but no more.  Are you Spanish?”

Me:  “No, but everyone thinks that, I am part American Indiana.’

Jeanette:  “No, you no look American Indiana, you look Spanish, I say you Spanish.  Look at you hair…. you Spanish.”

Me:  “Whatever you say Jeanette.”

Jeanette:  “Good, you agree with me, you smart Spanish girl.”  (I laughed out loud)

 

Pause…..while she is cutting my hair…….BIG clumps are falling to the floor….panic starts to set in……

 

Me:  “I think Chinese is beautiful written.”

Jeanette:  “To write in Chinese is hard…..See you have A, B, C…….we have picture for every word…..picture, picture, big picture for all word…..no A, B C…..You no like to write Chinese, it take you all day……you write A, B C….better.  Chinese make you crazy.  Then you crazy writing Spanish girl.”

 

 

I guess to me it’s funny…. she says funny random stuff……

 

I do love my hair cut and for $20 WITH the wax……MY salon, I cant get out of there for less than $100 normally……

 

Speaking of my hair…..I had to laugh at myself this morning when I got out of the shower.  First of all I ended up with bubbles out the wah-zoo because I applied my normal amount of shampoo to the top of my head…..although I have way less hair now…..I guess I forgot and had bubbles galore.  When I finally got all of the shampoo out of my hair, and got out of the shower I looked at my hair in the mirror……with the little side parts coming down, my hair cut over my ear, my double colic in the front, I looked exactly like Eddie Munster.  I laughed out loud at myself……although I could laugh at myself while standing naked in the mirror for a whole multitude of reasons, this morning it was for my striking resemblance to Eddie Munster…….

 

Hey!  Who’s that girl? 

Several cafes in Hong Kong now lend their dining guests dogs and cats to pet during their visits. This temporary affection, according to a January Der Spiegel dispatch, is popular because Hong Kong residents find it so inconvenient to own pets in such a densely populated city. Also in January, the owner of the Augsburg, Germany, restaurant La Boheme confirmed that while customers are welcome to bring their own dogs with them when they dine, "small children" are not allowed in the evenings. "After a hard day’s work, (diners) want some peace," he told Agence France-Presse. [Der Spiegel (Hamburg), 1-30-06] [Deutsche Welle-Agence France-Presse, 2-12-06]

 

 

Glad to see there is a restaurant that feels the same way I do…..I have a sign on my front door that says……”Pets welcome, but small-bad children should either be left at home or leashed and muzzled.”

 

 

Lol

 

Laura