Skip navigation

 

My Mother wasn’t afraid to die. 

 

She had a “near death” experience when she had her first cancer surgery to removed one of her breasts.  She said during her surgery she had an out of body experience… During the surgery her spirit lifted to the top of the room, she could view what was happening below (herself on the table being operated on) and she also witness something key.  Our long time family Doctor, and family friend had unexpectedly stepped in the room during surgery (now chief of staff at the hospital).  Upon seeing the Doctor the following day and telling him…he was at a loss for words. 

 

My Mother told all of us that during that surgery she was comforted by my brother Lenny who appeared to her and (who had been killed that year by a drunk driver) she said he told her “everything would be okay and that it wasnt her time.”  She said he was there with her, she could hear his voice….see a vision of him.    She didn’t care who believed her…she knew it happened and it gave her comfort.

 

When she came out of surgery she told all of about this experience.  She was so adamant about it; that it was hard for anyone to doubt her.  She said she was no longer afraid to die. 

 

The whole thing broke my heart, listening to my Mother (my best friend) reach a place in herself where she would be okay to die…..They had given her less than a year to live…..and hearing her talk about my brother, who I missed so desperately.  It was all so horriable.

 

When my Mother did pass it was the hardest thing I have ever been thru in my life.  The night she finally stopped fighting, the hospice nurse had called and asked me to come say good-bye to my Mother.  Eventually everyone left the house that night, except for me and I picked up a photo album and despite knowing she was in a coma… I still decided to look at the photos and talk to her about all the happy memories of my childhood.  Our family, camping, Marching Band….etc.

 

During that time I asked her to try to move her had if she could just hear me…so I would know she could hear me…..she moved her had for the remaining 3 hours I was there….Before I left the house that night I asked her to please somehow let me know….to let me know she was okay, when she was gone.  I told her that I would always take care of my older sister (her one request of me) and I then asked her to let go….”Mommy, please let go….I promise I will be okay.  You have suffered for so long…please let go.”  I knew in her heart she was holding on for me……  She died in her sleep later that night.

 

In the wake of her loss I found myself in so much pain, I was unable to function. How was I going to take care of 3 small children if I was unable to take care of myself?  I was devastated.  I wasn’t sure if I could continue on.

 

For weeks after my Mother’s death I ate almost nothing, didn’t care what I looked like, rarely bathed, wouldnt answer the phone, didnt do anything normal…just cried….Sierah was 3 at the time and the twins were 6 months old.  I finally, after about 3 weeks made my way to the store…only to leave the store and forget my groceries.  I went back and got them…. cried all the way home.  I couldn’t imagine how I was going to continue….I couldn’t get it together.

 

When we got back to the apartment, Sierah ran thru the hallway door ahead of me.  We lived in an upstairs apartment and the hall was kind of dimly lit and had wide open stairs……I was holding two baby seats in my arms, trying to struggle thru the door.  Sierah reached the apartment door as I reached the bottom of the stairs, she got to the door and I said, “Wait, Mommy has to unlock the door…”  She turned back around, turned the door handle and the door flew open… in my jumbled, grieving mind, had I forgotten to lock the door?….

 

Just then, a breeze flowed down the stairs from the open doorway above and I swear it was like it somehow penetrated every pore of my body…..I knew in an instant it was somehow my Mother.  I could feel her inside of my soul, lifting my spirit, I could smell her perfume, it was as if my body was a sponge and I could feel the air rushing straight thru the very essence of my being….I was almost unable to force out enough air to breath…….it were as if time had stopped…..my Mother was somehow inside of me mending my broken spirit.  She was right there, right with me……some how, some way. 

 

When the breeze stopped I realized Sierah had gone into the apartment and I had sat down the babies car seats.  I was froze, almost unable to move.  I picked them up and slowing went up the stairs.  It was as if I could feel strength inside of me building…….she without question, had somehow given me strength to carry on.

 

The remainder of the day I spent doing things I had not done in weeks, cleaning, actually cooking, bathing, playing with my children……etc.  I knew I was going to be able to get past it and I would find strength within myself to carry on.

 

That evening I tucked Sierah in bed and read her a story.  As usual I got into my bed and this was the first night in weeks I hadn’t cried myself to sleep.  Only to be awaken at about 5AM by Sierah standing next to my bed patting my arm.  She was saying, “Mommy, Mommy…..wake up.”  I swung my feet out of bed and took her hand and lead her back to her room…I said, “Get back in bed, you need to go back to sleep”, tucked her back in and gave her a kiss.   She said, “But Mommy…..Grandma Neumann was here…..” I paused and said, “No baby, Grandma Neumann is in heaven…..”  She said, “Mommy, Grandma Neumann sat on my bed and sang my A B C’s with me…….” I began to cry….she said, “She told me she loved me and to tell you, everything was going to be alright.”  I crumbled….I dropped to my knees and laid my head over Sierah’s heart……I said,”Oh Mom”…tears rolling….”Thank you…”

 

For what it’s worth, I DO believe. 

 

I believe my Mother somehow came to me that day…. mending my broken soul so I could continue on with my life…for myself and my children.  I do believe my Mother came to my daughter that night and delivered a message to me, thru her, that I wouldn’t of believed, had it been sent any other way.

 

It was her way, of fulfilling my last request.  To this day, I have no fear of death.  I know that I will again see my Mother…..and all of the other people I have lost.  At this moment, as I write this…I know my Mother is with me.

 

She always has been, and always will be.

 

I do believe…

Advertisements

15 Comments

  1. Laura,I’m sitting here with tears spilling down my face.. (thank goodness it’s Sunday and I refused to put on make-up this morning) (small smile). This was such a beautiful post. I do believe, also. I’ve lost a lot of lovely people in my short life and I know that the strength I have inside me .. the strength that stops me from slipping over the edge into depression, is the strength knowing I have angels who watch out for me .. and share with me their strength .. these angels are my friends and my nanna who have been gone for a long time in body but never in spirit.Thank you, sweet girl, for sharing …hugs,~Molly~

  2. Thank you for reminding me to keep believing! Inspirational!

  3. What an incredible story.

  4. Laura, That is the absolutely utmost amazing story, I feel privileged you shared it with me and the blog world. I am finding this inner strength and hope from writing. I am still teary eyed from your post. It’s been such an emotional day for me, but a good emotional, no thoughts about hitting the bottle! As my Dad always told me, go big or don’t bother going at all. I am doing it, going BIG! Finally. Thank you again for all the kindness and sharing this post. Be great! -kate

  5. How beautiful- tears streaming — smile — sniffle -Thank you Chris

  6. Ladies~Thank you! I cried when I wrote it, took it home and let the older girls read it and they too cried. I had one other experience where my Mother appeared to me, about 5 years later, Thanks Giving Day….I will write about it one day. (It will come with a “get the tissue” warning!) ;)My Mother was my best friend and I miss her still so much….She continues to be the most powerful motivating force within my life. She was the most kind hearted, caring, charismatic person I have ever know. She also had the best sense of humor……I miss our daily talks, her spirit, her incredibly optimistic outlook on life……..but what I miss most is being able to see her with my children. She would of enjoyed them so…..as they would of enjoyed her.Something Devon asked once, and I never forgot…makes me laugh to this day thinking about it….He asked, "Mommy is Grandma Neumann in heaven eating donuts with Elvis?" (At the time he loved watching old Elvis movies)….I laughed and said, "You know what, she just might be!"me

  7. That story makes me both happy and scared. I am happy that you got the sign that your mother loved you and taht it was OK to move on but scared still of death or of the death of anyone I hold so dear.

  8. Hope you don’t mind I added you to my blog walks.Love your site. Your kids are beautiful

  9. Laura – My sister passed away two years ago (still cannot believe it). Part of my family stayed at her home during the last few days of her life while she was in the hospital, and just shortly after her funeral. The first evening after the funeral, I know she came to me. I was sleeping on her couch, as all of the bedrooms were occupied by couples (I’m the only single one). I remember waking up at around 2 a.m. by this sensation running through my body. I have never felt electricity go through my body, but that is the closest I can come to in describing what I felt – even that cannot accurately describe it. It was like someone going through me. Suddenly I was wide awake, and at first I was afraid, but only for a second. Before I had a chance to even think about it I felt calm. I looked around in the darkness, but didn’t see anything. I knew it was her. I laid awake for hours afterwards.For the next few days, my 2 year old niece would point up to the ceiling, and talk to my sister, her aunt. As you probably already know, kids are supposedly able to see spirits.Before this happened to me I used to listen to other people talk about similiar experiences, and although I had always been open to the idea, I felt it seemed too good to be true; like something you wish and wish and wish for, but you know the odds are against it. It meant the world to me that she came to me that night. I haven’t had any other experiences, but I pray for it all the time. Not sure if that is "right" or not.Something like this definitely changes your world view, doesn’t it? I’m glad you had your experience. 🙂

  10. Thank you for your story. I read alot of these blogs and find everyone so interesting. I have started a blog couple times and end up deleting them as my words just don’t come out right and I haven’t found that balance of what to keep inside and still be real.My mom passed away suddenly last year at 50. It is coming close to the 1 yr mark and sometimes it just feels like yesterday. Before this I had never experienced anyone passing and Mom being so sudden it is really taking a long time to get myself back together. I think that is where blogging came, to help me feel connected to something.I know what you mean about your Mom being with you. My sister and I were on our way to visit Mom in the hospital after her heart attack and 10 min before we got the dreaded call, we both knew she was gone. My Mom had her heart attack on the same day 29 years ago that my Dad died. There has to be peace found in that. There have been so many things happen to let me know that she is with me and yet it still so hard. I hope it starts to get easier.Thank you again for your post. I admire everyone who can find the words to post "the real stuff"

  11. Chris~ Sure link away! :)TeensieGirl & Beverly~ As you both know~I believe! :)me

  12. I came here to ask you a question about blogging and read this. It was wesome. Both of my sisters say they got "signs" from Papa last week after his passing. I don’t feel like I did or have. It’s weird. But I do believe in it. I wish it would happen to me.Anyway, I loved your entry, and your blog is really good.I was wondering how you find the words that people use when surfing the net and come upon your space?Thanks.j

  13. My great-grandmother (who my mom was extremely close to) died about a month after I was born.When I was about 4…..I used to talk to this really nice lady who would sit on the end of my bed and talk to me late at night. She had glasses and wore a brown and yellow apron.I told my mom, and she about died, her grandmother wore a brown and yellow apron….at 4…how would I know that?I have felt a chill in a room a a patient has passed on….I totally believe.Thank-you for sharing such a personal story.

  14. I’ve never experience it myself, but I do believe too…I’m SURE your mother looks after you and is there with you all the time.Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and personal story! Vicky

  15. Okay, now I’m crying…that was an amazing story. I wish I felt my dad’s presence…maybe I’m just not open enough to realize when he’s "around". There have been so many times in the last few years that I have needed him. Kelly


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: