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Monthly Archives: September 2005

 

 

 

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact
that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after
they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer
guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I’d love to chip in…
but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that
‘special’ person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer
monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And…drum roll…
the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say,
"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

 

 

Cute joke:

 

An elderly man in South Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was fixed up nicely with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple trees and a few peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he had been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We’re not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said, "I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I’m here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old Men Still Think Fast! 

 I have been in training…so I have not been able to write much…..my friend emailed this to me the other day and I thought it was cute!……enjoy!  :o)~
 
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
 
 
1)    Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
 
2)    Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
 
3)    A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
 
4)    A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
 
5)    Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
 
6)    A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
 
7)    A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
 
8)    An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
 
9)    A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s
handy to have around.
 
10)    A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it,and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
I happen not to be a wealth of life knowledge but there are a few things over the years I have come to know…….
 
I KNOW….
 
  • What it is like to have 5 kids (under 3) and one adult all cry at once.
  • What box macaroni and cheese tastes like made with water instead of milk.  <thanks Jenna>
  • What it feels like to have a round brush rolled up in your extremely long hair and being unable to get it out for about 3 hours.  <Acacia to thank for this one>
  • What it feels like to have 5 dogs sleep in my bed at once.  <those mutts!  Gotta love em!>
  • How hard it is to fit 5 kids, a cooler, tent and camping gear all into a Jeep for a spontaneous camping trip.  <me for this one.>
  • What it is like to drive for an hour (plus) to get all kids dropped off in different places just so I could go to work.  <5 minutes from my house.>
  • That a GI Joe, a bar of soap, a couple wooden alphabet blocks and a baby Nike can easily clog a toilet.  <Devon, the flush master as a baby.>
  • How quickly 4 little girls can jump out of a bathtub if their brother decides to poop in the tub.  <Devon…Would of thought a alligator was in there.>
  • What it feels like to recognize the Administrative Assistant’s voice on the phone when he calls because he calls so often.   <DEVON for sure for this one….>
  • How to remove a bat from my house while 4 girls are running and screaming at the same time. 
  • How much damn candy 5 kids together can get at Halloween time.  <way too much>
  • That burnt pans can mysteriously appear in your recycling bin and no one knows anything about it.  <Ms. Sierah>
  • What it feels like to have your son wear a dress to school.  <a teacher dared he and his friend, Devon is the only sucker who actually wore one.>
  • What burnt cheese toasties taste like and being actually hungry enough to eat one.  <Sierah again.>
  • That a family of 6 can actually be fed every day of the week by cooking in a crock pot!  <Thanks for that crock pot Dawn>
  • That blue Koo-laid can turn a babies poo neon green.  <thanks to my friend who gave that to Taryn>
  • How quickly my 5 year old son will sink to the bottom of a 12 foot pool if pushed in by some little a**hole.  <Cant remember the kids name.>
  • What it feels like to jump into 12 feet of water in all of your clothes and shoes on.  <Thanks to Devon the sinking rock.>
  • How it feels to take care of 5 children with the chicken pox.
  • How it feels to take care of 5 children with the chicken pox and one who gets appendicitis.  <Sierah>
  • How it feels for take care of 5 children with the chicken pox and one with appendicitis AND be 26 years old and have chicken pox myself too!  <Sierah again>
  • Exactly how much of a war zone my house can turn into when 6 women PMS together.  <Devon…..poor, Devon.>
Those are a few of the things that I know…….
 
Laura

TAG

 

I got tagged……..I’m gonna get you Lisa!  <while I start plotting my revenge.> :o)

 

7 Things That I Hate or that Scare Me:

1.  I’m scared of the unknown.

2.  I hate prejudice people.

3.  I hate being sick. <I don’t have time for it…>

4.  The fear of growing old alone scares me.

5.  I hate Spiders.

6.  I hate stupid people.  <world is full of em>

7.  I hate having wet feet.  <I seriously dislike this>

 

7 things I like/love:

1.  I love my children.

2.  I like camping.

3.  I love dog shows. <I don’t show dogs any more but I love going>

4.  I love to read non-fiction books.  <I read all the time>

5.  I like clean sheets on my bed.  <the smell of Downey>

6.  I like spending time with my dogs.  <I love my mutts>

7.  I love driving in a Jeep with the top off on a hot summer night.  <nothing else like it>

 

7 Random Facts about me:

1.  Born, raised, schooled in the same town.

2.  I have met many famous people.  <Eddie Murphy is an asshole.>

3.  My right foot and right boob are larger than their counterparts.

4.  I use to want to do stand up comedy.

5.  I use to race street legal racecars.

6.  I have no tattoos but want one in memory of my Mom.

7.  I am the go to person for pet questions and professional letter writing help at my job.

 

7 Things I’d like to do before I die:

1.  Enjoy my children’s, children.

2.  Get lots of money and do really nice things for people I love.

3.  Open an animal related business.   

4.   Pay my house off.

5.   Move to a small farm and open an animal rescue.

6.   Write a book.

7.   Buy an RV and travel my ass off.

 

7 Things I Can Do:

1.   Multi task.

2.   Show a dog.

3.   Detail a car.

4.   Swim like a fish.

5.   Answer plant questions.

6.   Jump over a fence on a horse.

7.   Great impressions. <So I’ve been told.>

 

7 Things I Won’t or Can’t do:

1.   Stay up late.

2.   Go to the movies and not want popcorn. <I always do>

3.   I can’t do jumping jacks.  <Well, I can but my boobs are too big>

4.   Wear a bikini.  <My stretch marks look like a road map…North, East, South and West.> 

5.   I wont limit myself.  <I like options>

6.   I cant be late anywhere.  <always early.>

7.   I wont be without animals. <I love em>

 

7 Things I say most:

1.  “Someone come down here and do some dishes!”

2.  “Who used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t put some back in here?”

3.  “Who’s mess is this in the bathroom?”

4.   “Wanna go outside?”  <to the dogs>

5.   “You turd.”  <to random people…and the kids>

6.   “Dinner’s ready”

7.   “What can I do for you today?”  <To my clients at work>

 

7 Celeb Crushes

1.   Mathhew McConaughey (He is so sexy.)…can someone get me HIM for X-mas?

2.   Hayden Christenson (Star Wars Episode II)  Young, but beautiful.

3.   Will Smith (I love his body)

4.   Josh Lucas (The guy in Sweet Home Alabama)

5.   Snoopy  (My first love)

6.   Robert Redford (A very sexy older man)

7.   Harrison Ford (around the time of Raiders of the Lost Arc)

 

7 People I tagged to do this quiz (or this should say – 7 potential friends or enemies because I forwarded this quiz)

 

NONE:  7 of you guys tag yourself!  :o)

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course

include:

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other – Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming – Open forum

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE GARBAGE CAN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselors available

 

  LOL  Sorry guys……I had to post it! 

Laura

 

Call me strange but certain words are just funny to me……..rutabaga, kanooter, spork…dork.  (I have a list) I cant help it.  Some words just make me laugh hearing them.  "Dork" happens to be one of them.
 
This term happens to be what I affectionately call Sierah’s boyfriend (he reciprocates by calling me dork too) and interestingly enough my little brother Mario also called me a dork yesterday.  (Big head sucka!)  I quickly called HIM a dingle-berry, and laughed out loud when I typed it!  🙂
 
I am one of those people who I just attach a random, strange (or funny) name to people.  If someone is talking allot they get called, "Lips."  My friend Calvin is affectionately known as "big head", (I use this name allot with my kids! They got em honest!) My friend Tania is "Tanyanator"( like the Terminator), Tania’s friend is referred to as "Joan-bacca" (name is Joanie and looks a little like Chewbacca from Star Wars…..not nice (I know) but funny!.) Sierah is "Chica" or "Superstar" (said the way she said it in the movie Superstar)**Super-starrrrrrrr!** Remember the movie where the girl kissed the tree!  (I love to say it at her basketball games and fling my arms wide open……….as she shakes her head and rolls her eyes), Devon use to be called "Q-Tip" because he was really skinny and had a big head and tiny afro~ looked like a little Q-tip) Acacia is "Mogley"(when at about the age of 4, was coming down the stairs wearing only a "too large" pair of Sierah’s red underwear, hair cut in a bob and Sierah shouted, "Look Mommy, Acacia looks like Mogley" (from the jungle book) It stuck!  ~~~You get the idea right?
 
When the kids were young they always made me laugh when they called each other random stupid stuff like, "You tomato head."  "You broccoli lip."  "Corn muffin foot."  "Lizard lip" ………call me crazy but they ALWAYS made me laugh when they did this. 
 
Shoot I even laughed at my own nic-name in College.  My boyfriend called me "BL".  This stood for Bologna lip.  He said my top lip was as thin as a slice of bologna.  Ha!  (…sad, but true and still funny none the less.)  That’s why Sierah shouldn’t get mad when I call Devon’s friend Jose’ "George" because I swear that kid looks like he has a big set of George Washington wooden dentures.  ha!  (When she reads this she is going to say MOM! that’s not nice.)  Hey, at least I wait till he gets out of the car to do it~ plus she calls him "stink boy" cuz those lil stinky shoes of his (they sit outside when he comes over)~~~She actually trys really hard to keep me politically correct, but it is a truly difficult job for one person. 
 
Thanks for the valiant effort my dear, but I think Mom is a lost cause.  Just try to remember you will always be my**Super-starrrrrrrr!**
 
Laura  AKA "BL"
 
I hate that feeling that I have when thinking about the aftermath of the hurricane…….the feeling that we as a Nation failed our fellow citizens.  Failed them miserably.
 
How is it that the news crews could drive straight in to New Orleans and find people to video tape (suffering, waiting on help) but we (our military, the National Guard, anyone) were unable to go in to rescue them.  It is simply unfathomable and inexcusable to me. 
 
I read in our local paper where several bus drivers from my city went down south to try help in the evacuation effort.  They were given the run around, told to go from city to city and eventually had to return without being able to help anyone at all.  I simply do not understand.  How could this happen in the United States?  It seems we are always the first ones to jump up and try to save someone else’s ass, but in our country’s own tremendous time of need, we are unable to rescue our own people.   Yes, rescue our own people; not "refugees."  I seriously dislike that word attached to these victims of this storm.  It seems by using that term we are somehow disconnecting ourselves from them.  Webster’s definition of a refugee is: 
 
 "One who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution."

Yes, they are in need of refuge……from a storm.  Not any of the other things we generally associate with the word refugee.  They are United States Citizens.

I am ashamed and horrified by the lack of action our political leaders took during this disaster.   While they were waiting, having meetings and busy pointing fingers at each other, people who were in desperate need, were waiting on help.  Many of whom died waiting on help that never arrived. 

The hurricane alone didn’t kill all of those people who lost their lives……the lack of action from our government, in the days following, took the lives of many of whom actually survived the storm. 

The buck has to stop somewhere on this one, and I only hope that the appropriate people are out of a job when the bureaucratic dust settles on this tragedy. 

Laura

 

My friend asked me to print this entire thing on my blog….so here it is….it’s funny!
 
This is for all you girls 30 years and over…. and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30’s!!!!  This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
 
Andy Rooney says:
 
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask," What are you thinking?"  She doesn’t care what you think.
 
If a woman over 30 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do.  And, it’s usually something more interesting.
 
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.  Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.
 
Women over 30 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
 
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.  A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.  Women over 30 couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.
 
Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30.  They always know.
 
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.  This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
 
Older women are forthright and honest.  They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one!  You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
 
Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.
 
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here’s an update for you.  Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig ……………. just to get a little sausage. 
We found out yesterday that we are expecting about 500-600 people here in our city to be housed from Hurricane Katrina.  The news media this morning seems to be playing down the numbers.  They say we may get more or less people, they simply don’t know for sure.  Either way….I have come up with an idea. 
 
I decided to organize a data base of people willing to help these new people settle into our community or at least temporarily try to ease some of their tension.  The mayor and other city leaders have asked people to open their homes to people whom have been displaced. 
 
 I, like many other people, are either unable (due to already having a full house) or are simply scared to have a stranger move into their house.  I decided that maybe I could organize people who are willing to help the hurricane victims get integrated into the community in different ways; take them out to eat, drive them around to help them put in job applications, bring their family to their house for dinner, take them out to the movies along with their own family……..maybe try to group people together who have children of the same age so they can do age appropriate stuff with the kids.  Anything is better than nothing!
 
It’s just an idea and I am waiting to hear back from someone from the shelter and/or Mayor’s Office to see if they feel this idea is feasible.  My friend told me this morning, "Make the first call and all the rest will fall into place"……The first call has been made so……now we’ll wait and see what happens. 
 
Laura
 

‘Tis not enough to help the feeble up, but to support them after."
William Shakespeare